Walter Charles Guilfoyle - My Father (Not Like Dad)

This photo was taken in 1983. 42 years may seem like a long time to some, but in the big scheme of things, it really isn't. I'm the only one still alive of this photo. I'm the newborn. The little boy is my big brother Ian. He was five years old here. He died at only 39, a passenger in a car accident in 2017. The man holding us is our father, Walter (Wally). He died at the age of 45, hit by a car in 1997.
I've been working (sporadically) on writing the stories of both Wally and Ian, through my eyes, which is difficult because I was only 16 months old when I last saw my dad, and Ian and I didn't get back in touch until I was 17. I was 21 when Ian and I finally met again, neither of us having any memory of this photo, or of each other.
I chose the title Not Like Dad because it was something Ian and I were always asking each other and ourselves. Our father was not in our lives due to the crippling addiction he had to heroin, which he was already in the grips of by the time I was born. Every time Ian or I needed medication (even my anti-epileptic, or Ian's diabetic drugs), we weighed up the risks, researched the drugs, checked whether or not they could become addictive. We were constantly terrified of the addictive personalities we had inherited. It wasn't until after Ian passed that I came to realise addiction was not a trait we had just inherited from our father, but a trait we'd inherited as a result of being born human.
Our father allowed us to be taken away from him because he knew he wouldn't be able to give up the drugs and he wanted better for us. He'd hoped that by being apart from him, his addiction wouldn't ruin our lives too. I do know that both our lives have been profoundly different to what they would have been had Wally stayed in our lives, but whether the outcome was better or worse because of it.. I can't say. For me, I think my life was much better than it would've been if my mum had stayed, but Ian wasn't so lucky. But nothing good comes from pondering on the 'if only's'.
Here are some powerful poems about Heroin addiction, written by our father Walter Charles Guilfoyle. May he and Ian both rest in peace.


